I am a seventh grade boy in a large middle school. I am average looking and basically the same height as most of the other boys in my class. I get pretty average grades and I do alright in class. The problem is I feel invisible. I don’t feel like anyone is noticing me at all. In my classes the teachers seem focused on the kids that are behaving badly or the kids that are really smart and have all the answers. In the hallways, I feel like everyone is having a great time and I’m in the middle of it all but not really connected to anyone. Nothing about be stands out because I am average in every way. I want to be noticed, but I don’t want to do anything crazy. What can I do? Sincerely, The Invisible Man
I am sorry to hear you are feeling like you are invisible. Please know that this is a completely normal feeling and you are not alone. Plenty of kids your age (as well as adults!) feel like this sometime.
In terms of your teachers, have you spoken to them about how you feel in class? Often times teachers only pay attention to "the misbehaving kids" and might not check in with "the good kids" often enough and they feel like you are. I bet your teachers would want to know if they are accidently making you feel this way. Try practicing what you will say to them in your mirror or on a piece of paper BEFORE you talk so that way you can feel comfortable having a conversation.
In terms of feeling invisible in your social circle, have you asked a close friend if they have ever felt invisible? I bet they could give you some ideas on how they worked through it. You could also ask an older sibling or trusted mentor/adult.
Don't worry as much about "being noticed", instead worry about making yourself happy with who you are. Focus on the good and try new things! Over time you will be more comfortable with yourself and realize that even if someone doesn't "see" you, all that matters is if you are happy with who you are.
Dear Abby, I am a seventh grader in middle school. I just went through puberty and am having trouble feeling at home in my new body. To make matters worse, the other girls in my best friends group are all tiny little peanuts. I don't think they have hit puberty yet. So, hanging out with them makes me feel self conscious. The boys seem to like my new curves, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I feel like a giant compared to all my friends. This weekend we have plans to go shopping for a dress for the upcoming dance. I'm thinking about canceling on my friends because I don't want them to know that I am already a size 8! What should I do? Thank you! Curvy Gal
It is completely normal to be developing the way you are. Teenagers begin entering puberty anywhere from 10-14 years old. Your body is moving at the perfect rate for you. It is hard when you are the first in your friend group to experience puberty and your body begins to develop earlier than your close friends. While I am sure this is easier said than done, I would tell you to embrace your curves! If your friends are really your friends then I am sure they are curious about what is happening to you and you could be helpful to them as they begin to start puberty. While you may be feeling uncomfortable with your new body, they may be feeling uncomfortable because they have not begun changing. Most girls have feelings of insecurities about certain aspects of their physical self. If your friends haven't said anything to make you upset, then I would trust them and let them know how you are feeling. If you are able to tell them what is worrying you it might be a chance for you to work together to help find you the perfect dress for the dance.
Dear Abby, How do I get my friends back? I am a not bad looking thirteen year boy. I used to have lots of guy friends up until a few weeks ago. Let me explain. Our school has a semi-formal dance for eighth graders to celebrate the ending of middle school and moving to the high school. This year’s dance was in May. There was a lot of pressure to take a date. This was particularly hard for me because I have found myself to be attracted to boys more than girls. My mom talked me in to taking a risk and asking my best friend to the dance that is also a boy. I thought he knew how I felt and thought he felt the same way. Things did not go well when I asked him out. He became very angry with me and upset. I told him I was sorry and did not mean anything by it. I thought after we talked that we could still hang out as friends. He avoided me at school, so I called him at home to talk like we used to. His mom said he did not want to talk to me right now. I thought he was just busy so I called him again later the next day. His mom told me he was busy. Here is where things got really bad for me. The day after the second phone call a sheriff comes to our house and delivered a restraining order against me to have no further contact with my (former) friend. He and his family felt I was sexually harassing him. I was devastated, and never got to explain to my friend that it was okay to say no, and that it did not hurt my feeling of friendship for him. He never gave me a chance. Since this misunderstanding, I have lost all my old guy friends. None of them want to hang out anymore or go do anything with me. Summer is coming fast and I have lost all of my old friends in the last six weeks, all over a stupid dance. How do you think I can get some of my old friends back? Sincerely, Going to have a Lonely summer.
First of all, it seems like you have a great support system from your mother. Also, you noted that your guy friends aren’t on the best terms with you, but what about your girlfriends? I am so sorry that when you took a chance, it went badly. I know that right now this feels like the end of the world. I would feel that way too if this happened to me. So you should know that anything I am about to say is not meant to downplay the crappiness of this situation, it’s only meant to give you advice. It might be hard to hear this, but all of these guy friends who you thought were true friends, clearly don’t know how to be your friend right now. Over time, perhaps they will begin to understand. Unfortunately, your best friend probably never learned how to be tolerant of different types of people. I am also sorry that your best friend has taken legal action against you, because that makes much trickier. Here are a few pieces of advice for you:
1. Is there a friend you have in common with him? Perhaps a girlfriend who would be willing to deliver a letter to him? Or, if that is going against the (unfortunate) restraining order, perhaps another friend could speak with him on your behalf. Even if he doesn’t respond to your communication, at least you would be able to tell him the things you wanted to tell him, and you could get some closure on that relationship.
2. Luckily, you took this brave chance right before moving on to high school…a place where there are many more types of people that you will have the chance to connect with. Also, I bet your new high school has a LGBTQ alliance/safe space. Perhaps you could contact the school counselor and see if you could find a person who is part of this alliance that you could get to know before the school year starts. If your high school doesn’t have a group like this, maybe your community does. You could also contact the GSA ( Gay Straight Alliance) here: https://gsanetwork.org/get-involved/start-gsa. They might have some ideas too!
3. As far as you summer goes, try to take the time to work on other hobbies and things you enjoy. Building your skills and knowledge will help you form new relationships with new people in high school. Also, it will give you something else to focus on. Try to enjoy the summer. Get exercise! It’s good for your body and your soul!
4. Use your mother and other supporting family as a sounding board. If they are not meeting your needs, ask your mom to talk to a professional who can help you through this tricky time.
I hope this advice has helped you in this very unfortunate situation. You are very brave! We all get rejected in our lives. Rejection is an important step in becoming who we are. Best of luck as you enter the next phase of your education!
Dear Abby, I’m a 6” tall muscular 8th grade boy in middle school who could easily pass for an eighteen or nineteen year old. I’ve recently started secretly dating as well as having sex with an older women and I believe I’m in love. I know if my parents finds out they wouldn’t approve. Just this past Friday I found out she’s expecting and I’m super excited. I know my parents will pass out when they find out but that not the problem. My dilemma is that my new lover is a recent grad that just started teaching at my school. I want to be with her but don’t want to get her in trouble. Please help FATHER TO BE
This seems like a very complicated and confusing situation for a young man like yourself. I know not wanting to get her in trouble may be at the forefront of your mind, but it is very important that you tell a trusted adult what has happened. It's great that you are excited to have a child, but you are a child yourself!
Love is a very complicated thing. When we love people, we try to protect them and do what's best for them. Unfortunately, your best interests have not been brought to the forefront here. As an adult, she should know better than to coerce, prey upon, and/or manipulate you.
As a minor, what has happened here cannot be consensual, and if she gets in trouble, it's because she has done something wrong. I strongly encourage you to seek the advice of a trusted adult and hope that you receive counseling during this difficult time.
I am a 13 year old girl in 7th grade. I like to play sports, I am very tall and love to be silly and joke around. I am new to my middle school. I moved here this year and I don't fit in with the other kids. I try to act cool and wear all the same clothes as the "cool kids", but I still don't feel like I fit in. I have a few friends who I sit with at lunch, but they are "the weird kids" and I don't know if I am really into the stuff they are into. I don't like drawing and emo music. I really like playing sports, but those kids are just too cool for me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I am alone on an island in middle school. I talked to my parents and they suggested I go sit with the "popular" kids and start talking to them, but I don't know if that is a good idea. How can I feel like I fit in? Please help LOST IN MIDDLE SCHOOL
Have no worries. Although things may seem bleak at the moment I can promise they won'stay that way for much longer. I too was a tall, athletic girl that changed middle schools several times and also had to make new friends. I know it's not easy, but believe me it only gets better. What I did and advise you to do as well, is to join your school's sports team. Once I did that there was a flurry of friends and opportunities that opened up for me. I'm confident that with your winning personality as well as your sense of humor that the same or more will happen for you. Being a part of a sports team is a great way to make new friends, build leadership skills, and also improve upon your social as well as communication skills. Quite soon there will be kids thinking of you as the cool kid wondering if they can sit with you and your new friends during lunch.I can see it several months from now you'll write back with another problem, Dear Abby, I have too many friends and not enough me time can you help? OK Not Lost IN MIDDLE, but now Miss Fitting In, Best of luck to you at your new school with your new friends.
I've lost all my friends. Over the summer we had lots of fun, but since sixth grade started, they told me they didn't like me anymore. I don't know what I did, but nobody wants to be around me. My friends are all telling other people not to talk to me or sit with me at lunch. They're passing mean notes about me and saying things about me on Facebook. In fifth grade I really liked school but now I don't even want to go anymore. What should I do?
It is unfortunate that your old friends chose to break off their friendship with you so abruptly. You cannot help but be hurt by what has happened to you. You will feel sad and angry for a little while. I know it is little conciliation but, what is happening to you is very normal. Middle school years are a time of changes. Most students are aware of the physical changes that you are going through or about to go through. What most students do not realize it is also a time of social change and finding our identities. What comes along with that is changing friendships. According to a recent study, only 1 out of 100 friendships those students had in grades 7 survived to senior year. What this means is that your friends were going to change, the unfortunate part is how they chose to treat you when their feelings toward you changed.
In my experience middle school students do not stay friendless long. Since what you’re going through is normal there are other students like you that find themselves without a friend. Some of them will become your friend. Friends in middle and high school have common interests and are no longer based on proximity, when you were younger friendships started because you were their neighbor, sat in the same class, your parents were friends, etc. As you get older, like you are, your friendships shift to those that you share common interests, common academic success, or shared goals. Your new friends will come from clubs that you join, activities you enjoy, or community groups, wherever you can meet people that have interests in common. Be brave and try new things that you always wanted to do and the new friend that you meet might be that forever friend. Remember that this is normal and is happening to other people too, those other people need you to be their friend.
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI am a seventh grade boy in a large middle school. I am average looking and basically the same height as most of the other boys in my class. I get pretty average grades and I do alright in class. The problem is I feel invisible. I don’t feel like anyone is noticing me at all. In my classes the teachers seem focused on the kids that are behaving badly or the kids that are really smart and have all the answers. In the hallways, I feel like everyone is having a great time and I’m in the middle of it all but not really connected to anyone. Nothing about be stands out because I am average in every way. I want to be noticed, but I don’t want to do anything crazy. What can I do?
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Dear Invisible Man,
DeleteI am sorry to hear you are feeling like you are invisible. Please know that this is a completely normal feeling and you are not alone. Plenty of kids your age (as well as adults!) feel like this sometime.
In terms of your teachers, have you spoken to them about how you feel in class? Often times teachers only pay attention to "the misbehaving kids" and might not check in with "the good kids" often enough and they feel like you are. I bet your teachers would want to know if they are accidently making you feel this way. Try practicing what you will say to them in your mirror or on a piece of paper BEFORE you talk so that way you can feel comfortable having a conversation.
In terms of feeling invisible in your social circle, have you asked a close friend if they have ever felt invisible? I bet they could give you some ideas on how they worked through it. You could also ask an older sibling or trusted mentor/adult.
Don't worry as much about "being noticed", instead worry about making yourself happy with who you are. Focus on the good and try new things! Over time you will be more comfortable with yourself and realize that even if someone doesn't "see" you, all that matters is if you are happy with who you are.
-Abby
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI am a seventh grader in middle school. I just went through puberty and am having trouble feeling at home in my new body. To make matters worse, the other girls in my best friends group are all tiny little peanuts. I don't think they have hit puberty yet. So, hanging out with them makes me feel self conscious. The boys seem to like my new curves, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I feel like a giant compared to all my friends. This weekend we have plans to go shopping for a dress for the upcoming dance. I'm thinking about canceling on my friends because I don't want them to know that I am already a size 8! What should I do?
Thank you!
Curvy Gal
Dear Curvy Gal,
DeleteIt is completely normal to be developing the way you are. Teenagers begin entering puberty anywhere from 10-14 years old. Your body is moving at the perfect rate for you. It is hard when you are the first in your friend group to experience puberty and your body begins to develop earlier than your close friends. While I am sure this is easier said than done, I would tell you to embrace your curves! If your friends are really your friends then I am sure they are curious about what is happening to you and you could be helpful to them as they begin to start puberty. While you may be feeling uncomfortable with your new body, they may be feeling uncomfortable because they have not begun changing. Most girls have feelings of insecurities about certain aspects of their physical self. If your friends haven't said anything to make you upset, then I would trust them and let them know how you are feeling. If you are able to tell them what is worrying you it might be a chance for you to work together to help find you the perfect dress for the dance.
Sincerely,
Abby
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteHow do I get my friends back? I am a not bad looking thirteen year boy. I used to have lots of guy friends up until a few weeks ago. Let me explain.
Our school has a semi-formal dance for eighth graders to celebrate the ending of middle school and moving to the high school. This year’s dance was in May. There was a lot of pressure to take a date. This was particularly hard for me because I have found myself to be attracted to boys more than girls.
My mom talked me in to taking a risk and asking my best friend to the dance that is also a boy. I thought he knew how I felt and thought he felt the same way. Things did not go well when I asked him out. He became very angry with me and upset. I told him I was sorry and did not mean anything by it. I thought after we talked that we could still hang out as friends. He avoided me at school, so I called him at home to talk like we used to. His mom said he did not want to talk to me right now. I thought he was just busy so I called him again later the next day. His mom told me he was busy. Here is where things got really bad for me.
The day after the second phone call a sheriff comes to our house and delivered a restraining order against me to have no further contact with my (former) friend. He and his family felt I was sexually harassing him. I was devastated, and never got to explain to my friend that it was okay to say no, and that it did not hurt my feeling of friendship for him. He never gave me a chance.
Since this misunderstanding, I have lost all my old guy friends. None of them want to hang out anymore or go do anything with me. Summer is coming fast and I have lost all of my old friends in the last six weeks, all over a stupid dance. How do you think I can get some of my old friends back?
Sincerely,
Going to have a Lonely summer.
Dear Going to Have a Lonely Summer,
DeleteFirst of all, it seems like you have a great support system from your mother. Also, you noted that your guy friends aren’t on the best terms with you, but what about your girlfriends? I am so sorry that when you took a chance, it went badly. I know that right now this feels like the end of the world. I would feel that way too if this happened to me. So you should know that anything I am about to say is not meant to downplay the crappiness of this situation, it’s only meant to give you advice. It might be hard to hear this, but all of these guy friends who you thought were true friends, clearly don’t know how to be your friend right now. Over time, perhaps they will begin to understand. Unfortunately, your best friend probably never learned how to be tolerant of different types of people. I am also sorry that your best friend has taken legal action against you, because that makes much trickier. Here are a few pieces of advice for you:
1. Is there a friend you have in common with him? Perhaps a girlfriend who would be willing to deliver a letter to him? Or, if that is going against the (unfortunate) restraining order, perhaps another friend could speak with him on your behalf. Even if he doesn’t respond to your communication, at least you would be able to tell him the things you wanted to tell him, and you could get some closure on that relationship.
2. Luckily, you took this brave chance right before moving on to high school…a place where there are many more types of people that you will have the chance to connect with. Also, I bet your new high school has a LGBTQ alliance/safe space. Perhaps you could contact the school counselor and see if you could find a person who is part of this alliance that you could get to know before the school year starts. If your high school doesn’t have a group like this, maybe your community does. You could also contact the GSA ( Gay Straight Alliance) here: https://gsanetwork.org/get-involved/start-gsa. They might have some ideas too!
3. As far as you summer goes, try to take the time to work on other hobbies and things you enjoy. Building your skills and knowledge will help you form new relationships with new people in high school. Also, it will give you something else to focus on. Try to enjoy the summer. Get exercise! It’s good for your body and your soul!
4. Use your mother and other supporting family as a sounding board. If they are not meeting your needs, ask your mom to talk to a professional who can help you through this tricky time.
I hope this advice has helped you in this very unfortunate situation. You are very brave! We all get rejected in our lives. Rejection is an important step in becoming who we are. Best of luck as you enter the next phase of your education!
Abby
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI’m a 6” tall muscular 8th grade boy in middle school who could easily pass for an eighteen or nineteen year old. I’ve recently started secretly dating as well as having sex with an older women and I believe I’m in love. I know if my parents finds out they wouldn’t approve. Just this past Friday I found out she’s expecting and I’m super excited. I know my parents will pass out when they find out but that not the problem. My dilemma is that my new lover is a recent grad that just started teaching at my school. I want to be with her but don’t want to get her in trouble.
Please help FATHER TO BE
Dear Father To Be,
DeleteThis seems like a very complicated and confusing situation for a young man like yourself. I know not wanting to get her in trouble may be at the forefront of your mind, but it is very important that you tell a trusted adult what has happened. It's great that you are excited to have a child, but you are a child yourself!
Love is a very complicated thing. When we love people, we try to protect them and do what's best for them. Unfortunately, your best interests have not been brought to the forefront here. As an adult, she should know better than to coerce, prey upon, and/or manipulate you.
As a minor, what has happened here cannot be consensual, and if she gets in trouble, it's because she has done something wrong. I strongly encourage you to seek the advice of a trusted adult and hope that you receive counseling during this difficult time.
Best wishes,
Abby
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI am a 13 year old girl in 7th grade. I like to play sports, I am very tall and love to be silly and joke around. I am new to my middle school. I moved here this year and I don't fit in with the other kids. I try to act cool and wear all the same clothes as the "cool kids", but I still don't feel like I fit in. I have a few friends who I sit with at lunch, but they are "the weird kids" and I don't know if I am really into the stuff they are into. I don't like drawing and emo music. I really like playing sports, but those kids are just too cool for me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I am alone on an island in middle school. I talked to my parents and they suggested I go sit with the "popular" kids and start talking to them, but I don't know if that is a good idea. How can I feel like I fit in?
Please help LOST IN MIDDLE SCHOOL
Dear Lost In Middle School,
DeleteHave no worries. Although things may seem bleak at the moment I can promise they won'stay that way for much longer. I too was a tall, athletic girl that changed middle schools several times and also had to make new friends. I know it's not easy, but believe me it only gets better. What I did and advise you to do as well, is to join your school's sports team. Once I did that there was a flurry of friends and opportunities that opened up for me. I'm confident that with your winning personality as well as your sense of humor that the same or more will happen for you. Being a part of a sports team is a great way to make new friends, build leadership skills, and also improve upon your social as well as communication skills. Quite soon there will be kids thinking of you as the cool kid wondering if they can sit with you and your new friends during lunch.I can see it several months from now you'll write back with another problem,
Dear Abby,
I have too many friends and not enough me time can you help? OK Not Lost IN MIDDLE, but now Miss Fitting In,
Best of luck to you at your new school with your new friends.
Sincerely,
Ms Abby
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI've lost all my friends. Over the summer we had lots of fun, but since sixth grade started, they told me they didn't like me anymore. I don't know what I did, but nobody wants to be around me. My friends are all telling other people not to talk to me or sit with me at lunch. They're passing mean notes about me and saying things about me on Facebook. In fifth grade I really liked school but now I don't even want to go anymore. What should I do?
Help,
Alone
Dear Alone
DeleteIt is unfortunate that your old friends chose to break off their friendship with you so abruptly. You cannot help but be hurt by what has happened to you. You will feel sad and angry for a little while. I know it is little conciliation but, what is happening to you is very normal. Middle school years are a time of changes. Most students are aware of the physical changes that you are going through or about to go through. What most students do not realize it is also a time of social change and finding our identities. What comes along with that is changing friendships. According to a recent study, only 1 out of 100 friendships those students had in grades 7 survived to senior year. What this means is that your friends were going to change, the unfortunate part is how they chose to treat you when their feelings toward you changed.
In my experience middle school students do not stay friendless long. Since what you’re going through is normal there are other students like you that find themselves without a friend. Some of them will become your friend. Friends in middle and high school have common interests and are no longer based on proximity, when you were younger friendships started because you were their neighbor, sat in the same class, your parents were friends, etc. As you get older, like you are, your friendships shift to those that you share common interests, common academic success, or shared goals. Your new friends will come from clubs that you join, activities you enjoy, or community groups, wherever you can meet people that have interests in common. Be brave and try new things that you always wanted to do and the new friend that you meet might be that forever friend. Remember that this is normal and is happening to other people too, those other people need you to be their friend.
Your Friend,
Abby
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete